McSweeney’s List (23 August, 2023)
Accessible Audio for McSweeney’s List will be available soon!
This week’s Mc(Play)List is a few songs about walking/footwear.
I'm a walker. I mean, I understand that doesn't sound meaningful, but I'm incapable of wheeled things, and too scared to deal with mechanical ones. Where possible I'd rather walk than wait for transit (waiting is awful), and I enjoy the people watching, flower smelling, and random cat petting it affords me. Plus, I'm a klutz and will complain about winter walking, so I'm trying to get it in while the weather's on my side. For reference, I walked 36 kms last week, and 43 the week before. I don't even go to that many places. I might have a problem.
Anyway, it was last summer that I thought hey, why not invest in some kinda cute walking sandals? For years I'd been getting Ardene sandals at the start of the season. Their whole business model is that you get a deal on multiple pairs, so I could have different styles and trash them over the summer. Admittedly, they aren’t the most comfortable things, and walking fast on hot sidewalks starts to hurt pretty quickly. (Why have I been putting up with this?!)
Contrary to what some of you may assume, I've never worn Birkenstocks. (Editor’s Note: But she’s got some real handsome Blundstones now.) (McSweeney’s Note: Hey shut up, we’ll get there.) Sure, I'm a comfy kind of hippie in the right light, but I feel more sure-footed barefoot than in a slide. Plus, while they look cute on waify chicks following jam bands (think Grateful Dead, Phish), they look far less adorbable on yours truly. I also swore I'd never wear Tevas. They always had their place in my mind: athletic people, hiking humans, water types…function over fashion folks who were doing much more than I was.
After some online shopping and review reading, I settled on a leather pair with an ankle strap, the kind an elementary school teacher might wear, but I can't have everything all at once. (People keep telling me this. I do not, yet, wholly believe it.) They were comfy and not bad looking. I was feeling confident, and a couple of months later I bought my first pair of Converse high tops, convinced that I was making adult shoe choices across the board.
By June of this year it was obvious that the sandals wouldn't make it through the summer. Considering how limited our sandal season is, I was disappointed that they didn't last longer, but I shrugged it off. “It is what it is” as they say, as useless as it is to hear it. This time I sought out "hiking sandals" and found a reasonably priced pair made by a camping gear company (that I'd never heard of, but this bitch don't camp). Within two weeks the sole started to separate. I wrote to the manufacturer, and they politely replied that the retailer does the refunds. At that point, I was planning on repairing the damn things myself, I just wanted them to know how shit their product was.
About the same time, my Converse sprung a leak in the form of ripped canvas. I was pissed. I thought they were supposed to be sneakers that you could wear to bits, the treads giving out after one too many concerts, and then I could give them a whole funeral. Admittedly, the treads started showing wear within months, and now my busted high tops sit as a symbol of my disappointment. They'll probably get to see a couple more things before they hit the trash, but I won't ever pay full price for Cons again.
"Cons aren't walking shoes," said fellow Walker and FTB Creative Director Andrew Jamieson. "If you want really good shoes, get Blundstones," (which are boots, so I'm sure he didn't say that exactly). He wasn't the first to extol the virtues of the Australian built boots, but he was the first to assure me that I could pull them off. And he wasn't just saying it. If he didn't think I could, he would've roasted me mercilessly while explaining in graphic detail exactly why I shouldn't wear them. Keep honest company, Kids.
The sticker price gave me the vapours, but after considering how many more pairs of various shoes I could break over the next few years, I bit the bullet. They're fab, by the by, comfy from day one. As for longevity, my fingers are crossed and that remains to be seen. If they give out in less than two years, I'll lose my shit. Quote me.
My credit card was still warm when my new sandals gave up the ghost, the ankle strap breaking free of the footbed. I limped through the rest of my evening, unwilling to be cut short by a fashion malfunction. Still, I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh. I had been absurdly and ironically bested by the Powers That Be. All the smarts in the world don't matter unless you have the wisdom to know when to change course and that, Friends, was my moment. I knew what I had to do.
My new Teva Hurricane XLT2’s are great sandals, named like a car. They've got crazy grippy tread, and 3 (count 'em! 3!) velcro straps to make sure they fit perfectly. I got the candy coloured ones (obvs), and I'm way cuter in them than I feared. I walk proudest when I'm an uninhibited all-terrain vehicle, which in the end makes me pretty fashionable (Editor’s Note: Like a sassy Land Rover.), so it turns out to be a win-win, and hopefully this is the end of my footwear murdering spree.
Walk tall, y'all.
Kicking It Off With A Real Classy Broad
Ladyfest is back! This year's festivities open with Abby Stonehouse hosting her podcast House of Stone live! Featured at GiggleFest, Zoofest/Off-JFL, and Just For Laughs, it's pretty obvious that she's well on her way to -- well, wherever the hell she wants! Guests Ilana Belfer and Also Azimov will be in the house (see what I did there?). A rare chance to enjoy comedy in the afternoon, and a great way to get the festival rolling!
WHAT: House of Stone Podcast LIVE at Ladyfest
WHERE: The Diving Bell Social Club, 3956 St. Laurent Blvd., 3rd Floor, Montreal, H2W 1Y3
WHEN: Sunday, August 27, Doors @ 1230 PM, Show @ 1 PM
METRO: St. Laurent (Green)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
The Cure For Overthinking?
Proudly presenting some of Montreal's "finest femme little freaks", The Underthunk Cabaret brings together comedians, clowns, and burly beasts for a night you won't soon forget! Hosted by Darragh Mondoux and Lucy Gervais.
WHAT: The Underthunk Cabaret at Ladyfest
WHERE: The Diving Bell Social Club, 3956 St. Laurent Blvd., 3rd Floor, Montreal, H2W 1Y3
WHEN: Tuesday, August 29, 7 PM
METRO: St. Laurent (Green)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
A Thousand Words…Plus One Really Good One
”Sonder”, from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, refers to the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own -- populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness -- that we'll never have personal knowledge of.
It's a whole vibe, and now it's also a photography exhibition. Montreal photographer Terry Hughes is holding his first solo show, entitled Sonder. The show includes both colour and Black and White images that aim to capture this sentiment, granting glimpses into the rich narratives that constitute the human tapestry. It's already on and the exhibit is free, so go check out the folks in the frames and people watch those doing the same.
Photograph by Terry Hughes
WHAT: Sonder: Photo Exhibition by Terry Hughes
WHERE: La Galerie du Viaduc 5806 St. Laurent Blvd., Montreal, H2T 1T3
WHEN: Now through Sunday, August 27
METRO: Rosemont (Orange)
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McSweeney’s List drops every Wednesday with the best events to catch each week in Montreal!
