McSweeney’s List (13 March 2024)
I went to the dentist last week, which shouldn't be something worth talking about, but here we are. It's notable first because I didn't want to go, and secondly because I was glad I did. Indulge me, Dear Reader, as I tell you all about it.
Let me first rewind back to the 1980’s. It was a good decade to be a kid. Goomie bracelets were all you needed to feel blingy. Twisted Sister taught me not to take it, and cartoons were made of magic. Even at that young age, my teeth were coming in wonky, and extra attention was being paid. Despite my proverbially big mouth, there was no way I could physically hold all these teeth.
By the turn of the decade, Guns’N’Roses had already welcomed us to the jungle, and then they gave us love songs that made us swoon. No one was grungy yet, or emo, or goth, but we did hold candles in the cold November Rain. Yes, it was hard. I was an adorable tween, suddenly saddled with a comical old school headgear made of metal and pain, a lip bumper that hooked into gadgets fused to my lower teeth, and braces across only my top front teeth, so that you know, they were unavoidably present when I wanted them there the least. I had teeth pulled so fast and often that the Tooth Fairy paid me in advance to save trips. The immediate bright side was the number of days I got to cut out of school to have my various mechanics tuned. The long-term bright side of course, was that I have some straight ass teeth, and it looks like I have the right amount (though I really, really don't).
Then sometime in the past 5 years, my teeth started to stress me. Not in a physical way, but like, in my heart. Flossing them, I would wonder if they were getting longer as I got older, destined to betray my age despite the perpetual youth of my soul. Was that tooth discoloured? What would I do when they inevitably (?) began to fall out? I thought they were chipping away (they were not). I see them moving from their perfect spacing to something new and different (I believe this one). My gums, always prone to bleeding, made me freshly paranoid, and the thought of going to a dentist suddenly mortified me. I would go when absolutely necessary (i.e. when in pain), but I would go in shamefully, and slink out quickly. It became the strangest interaction in my life.
So, I went to the dentist the other day. The day before, my anxiety reached uncomfortable levels I haven't experienced in ages. I was sure he would tell me I was beyond repair. I decided that if I had to lose a front tooth, I would replace it with either a gold or silver one. If I had to lose two front teeth, I'd get one of each so I could match everything. What I didn't expect was for my dentist to ask me why I stayed away. Was I scared of the pain? he asked. No, I admitted. I didn't tell him about my years in the orthodontist’s chair, he of all people knows. I think I'm just embarrassed. He looked me in the eye and took my hands. Yes, my dentist gently took my hands. And he said: I'm not here to judge you, I'm here to help you. But I can't dance alone. It hit like a cosmic finger to the tumultuous waters of mind, stilling the chaos and showing me the implications beyond the moment.
How many times have we been so ashamed of our shortcomings that we have inadvertently and erroneously kept ourselves away from help? Away from learning? I can't help but think how short tempered I get when someone tries to explain something to me I can't understand, whether it's an article beyond my pay grade, or trigonometry (ffs, Triangles, stop being assholes). How often have you found yourself afraid to take the next step, or the first step because you were afraid of how gloriously you could possibly fail? How many times have people asked if you needed directions, a loan, a shoulder, and you've said no because to say yes would admit some perceived weakness? It even applies to something as simple as the fact that my French skills are merely passable because practicing French -- being at a loss for words, getting my tongue tangled until I'm sure whoever I'm speaking to couldn't possibly understand -- is embarrassing. It makes me feel dumb, inept, out of place, but the only way to overcome that is to speak French, to admit my confusion, to be open about what I don't know so that I can be corrected, and move forward.
So, yeah. I went to the dentist last week. While I won't be replacing any teeth with precious metals any time soon, I got a gem of a lesson in an unexpected place, which is usually where the best treasures are found. Go do the damn thing, and accept the help The Universe is trying to give you.
DOUBLE FEATURE
First up is The Poly Mic. This weekly queer open mic is always a community favourite. They have a few spots still available this week, so get there early and sign-up!
And QT Shop Talk Comedy Show is back!!!:
QT Shop Talk Comedy is a two-part comedy series made up of workshops and showcases to highlight Queer, Trans, and Ally comedians of all levels. They provide a fun space for comedians to try jokes for the first time, and then get on stage! Produced by comedians Alo Azimov, and Becca Redden.
WHAT: The Poly Mic & QT Shop Talk Comedy Show
WHERE: Notre Dame Des Quilles, 32 Beaubien St. E., Montreal, H2S 1P8
WHEN: Wednesday, March 13, Poly Mic @ 7 PM, QT Shop Talk @ 9 PM
METRO: Beaubien (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
PLAY DATE
A couple of young New York addicts seem to be getting the hang of life, when Jackie gets home from prison to announce to his girlfriend Veronica that he got himself a legitimate job. Their joyful jumping into their future snags sharply when Jackie spots a hat - a man’s hat - a hat that ain’t his hat - in their apartment. Violence, profanity, sex, drugs, and catharsis for all.
Let the dramedy begin!
WHAT: The Motherf*cker with the Hat
WHERE: MainLine Theatre, 3997 St Laurent Blvd., Montreal, H2W 1Y4
WHEN: Now through Sunday, March 17, Wednesday - Saturday, Show @ 7 PM
Sunday, Show @ 2 PM
METRO: Sherbrooke (Orange)
TICKETS: MainLine Theatre
POLLUTION HOT SPOT
Timelier than ever, Broadleaf Creative’s The Chemical Valley Project has been gripping audiences since its creation and subsequent touring. This vital production delves gracefully into difficult conversations on treaty rights, the nature of contemporary Canadian identity and values, reconciliation and Canada’s notorious Chemical Valley. Rahul Varma, artistic director of Teesri Duniya Theatre is proud to present this important show playing at the company’s new Rangshala Studio at Cité-des-Hospitalières from March 14-24 (preview March 13). Continuing their mandate to encourage dialogue, the company will hold post-show talkbacks.
Through a captivating blend of multimedia storytelling and small scale spectacle, including documentary theatre, innovative projection design and object puppetry, The Chemical Valley Project engages audiences and sparks discussion.
The pandemic brought to the fore that Indigenous communities have worse health outcomes due to discrimination in environmental racism in policy-making. Forty per cent of Canada's chemical industry is clustered into a 15-square mile area in Sarnia, Ontario in an area known as Chemical Valley. Over 60 petrochemical plants and oil refineries operate there 24/7; the area has become one of the most polluted hotspots in Canada. Here, a community of 900 residents is being smothered.
Two siblings from Aamjiwnaang First Nation, Vanessa Gray and Beze Gray, have dedicated themselves to protecting their territory’s land, air and water by trying to quash the pollution that threatens their community’s future. Broadleaf Creative artists Julia Howman and Kevin Matthew Wong collaborated with and imaginatively documented the Gray siblings’ firsthand accounts of their activism and journey as land defenders and water protectors. The siblings also served as dramaturgs and advisors for the show.
There will be talkbacks on March 15, 19 and 21.
To make the show accessible to all, tickets for Tues. March 19 is Pay-What-You-Can, and Wed. March 20 is 2-For-1.
WHAT: The Chemical Valley Project
WHERE: 251 Av des Pins O, Montréal, QC H2W 1R6
WHEN: March 14-24, 2024
METRO: Sherbrooke (Orange)
TICKETS: Ticket Leap
DON'T FORGET TO PET THE POOCH
The only weekly bilingual comedy show is back with Edition #270. That's no small feat: it adds up to years of shows, loads of laughs, countless pets for the in-house puppers, and an untold number of hangovers. (Hydrate before, during and after drinking, My Darlings.)
Hosted by Quinn McMorrow, the evening will have fab featured acts including Ali Rafei and Andre Medrano each hitting the mic for the first time, along with some surprises.
The headliner is Vance Michel, local comedian, podcaster, show producer and “the best damn hype man in the city”. If you're familiar with the lay of the local land, you know this guy. If you don't, now's the time to get acquainted. He’ll be filming his first special, Just Blaze, at Artloft on 4/20, so see him now, see him then, or preferably both.
Please note, this event is BYOB.
CABARET FOR A CAUSE
A fab cabaret is coming your way, and it's for a great cause! Drag, comedy, burlesque, music, and more come together for the second edition of the fundraising cabaret for the Press Start Co-Op. Press Start is an anti-capitalist, co-operative arcade, but they’re way more than that. Their mission is to provide youth in the surrounding neighborhoods with a space in which to build community, learn useful skills, and set their goals for a brighter future into motion.
There will be treats, including cocktails, mocktails, and a lineup bound to tickle. Comedian Caro is hosting the show, burlesque performer Mina Minou will make it memorable. That's just the start, so don't miss out!
WHAT: Press Start Cabaret!
WHERE: Bâtiment 7, 1920 le Ber St., Montreal, H3K 2A5
WHEN: Saturday, March 16, Doors @ 8 PM, Show @ 9 PM
METRO: Buses from Lionel-Groulx, Charlevoix, & LaSalle (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
It’s LITERALLY ON THE BOULEVARD
The newest open mic in town is a multidisciplinary extravaganza! Presented by Forget The Box, all proceeds go to keeping our proverbial lights on. We're showcasing new talent, seasoned pros, and all styles of art. This Sunday Abby Stonehouse and Vance Michel take the stage, Andrew Jamieson hosts, and Dawn McSweeney (hey, that's me!) makes her co-hosting debut as the resident Mick. Don't miss this!
WHAT: On The Boulevard (Multidisciplinary Open Mic)
WHERE: Bar Bifteck, 3702 St Laurent Blvd, Montreal, Quebec H2X 2V4
WHEN: Sunday, March 17th, 2024 @ 8PM
METRO: St. Laurent (Green), Sherbrooke (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
TALK ABOUT A TRIP
THIS EVENT IS NEXT WEEK, WE JUST WANT YOU TO MARK YOUR CALENDARS NOW!
The year is 2046, everything on Earth is (still) a garbage fire, and humanity has decided to pack it in for one last trip...into the Sun.
To keep spirits up, a snappy passenger starts a weekly comedy open mic in the ship’s cafeteria. Fast forward 5 months and 1 week into life hurtling through space… we're all at the final show before CRASHING INTO THE SUN.
That's the kind of intro I can get behind! This Stand-Up / Sketch hybrid is promising celestial puns, gallows humour, and some meta stuff about how trivial (and comforting) it is to work on silly little jokes while our planet rots and civilization crumbles.
Organizer Lauren Mallory tells me, “This stand-up/sketch hybrid delivers celestial puns, gallows humour, and something meta about how trivial and comforting it is to work on silly little jokes while our planet rots and civilization crumbles... Cosmic horror meets comedy, it's balm for the reluctant nihilist's soul. Pay-What-You-Can because we know everyone's broke.”
Created and hosted by Lauren Mallory, featuring Steve Patrick Adams, Elie Gill, Brad MacDonald, Raquel Maestre, and George Assily.
WHAT: The Last Comedy Open Mic on a Rocketship into the Sun
WHERE: Notre Dame Des Quilles, 32 Beaubien St. E., Montreal, H2S 1P8
WHEN: Wednesday, March 20, Doors @ 830 PM, Show @ 9 PM
METRO: Beaubien (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
McSweeney’s List drops every Wednesday with the best events, workshops, and more, each week in Montreal!
