McSweeney’s LIst (1 May 2024)
As you know, I generally like to say (or try to say) something profound in my essays. I like to bring the personal to the point of universality, and then shrink it back down to a pocket sized concept you can integrate into your life. In reality though, sometimes the real life shit closes down the uh, Idea Station, and my train of thought goes elsewhere. All I can do is talk about what's at the forefront of my mind (screaming loudly), and I think this week some of you might be thinking the same thing.
Apartment hunting sucks, yo! I've lived in Montreal my whole life, signing leases for about 25 years now, and every time I have to go through the song and dance of it, I hate it. In fact, I hate it more each time. Allow me to regale you, young'uns, imports, and fellow frustrated city dwellers who will surely feel my pain.
My first apartment was $325 dollars, all in. Even though it was at the end of the last century, this was still a steal, promise. Yes, it was a studio, yes it was in Cartierville, but it was freedom, it was personal agency. Our balcony was our fire escape, and we heard the dep delivery guy riding his bike, towing his cart of empties over the gravel in our alley early in the morning. At our corner there were 2 bars next door to each other, their terasses separated only by a wooden gate, low enough that you could lean over to your friend‘s table if they were next door. I lived in that tiny spot - barely enough space for one - with a dude and a cat for three years. I saw a guy bleeding after a fight outside the 24 hour bowling alley. We met our upstairs neighbour after an accidental dog fight ended with one of the owners biting a pitbull. In the winter we would crank up the heat until we got sweaty and then open the window to even it out. We didn't know how good we had it.
When it was time to upgrade to a whole apartment with an actual closed bedroom, the prices were daunting. Who had $600 to spend on a little privacy? Even when we snagged a place deep in NDG for $460, it seemed like a scary high price tag. We traded our fire escape for a real life balcony, albeit shared with the next door neighbour’s kitchen window, which was awkward. Giving up our dep with the delivery dude (and fireworks), we scored a dep with hot Jamaican patties and video rentals, and proceeded to watch countless Kung-Fu movies never meant for export. Close to my own childhood memories, it became the first spot my daughter remembers. I held onto that place until management changed, and it began to fall into disrepair.
I moved around for the next few years, never quite finding my spot. In 2010, in need of sojourn, I scored a spot back on the Deeg for $480. While that was a great deal for the time, I was in a situation where it seemed like a lot. Plus, it was the perfect embodiment of you get what you pay for. It was all function and no fun, and it barely cut it in the function department. Trying to imagine what the building was before an apartment, all I can figure is that it was some sort of converted dorm. It was a very technical 3 ½ in that it did have a bedroom door, but it was never built to be a full home. The kitchen couldn't hold both a fridge and stove, so my fridge was in what could only be called my living room, right next to my bedroom. I could hear every one of my neighbour's sneezes, and almost all of their conversations. That's where I had my first experience with bed bugs, and it's true that you never forget your first. The exterminator told me that one of the tenants had sworn he had none, but when he went in to check, they were crawling on the walls. Le gros ick.
When I began writing for the old version of this very magazine, we had our meetings at the founder’s place. I was envious of his location, Coloniale near Rachel, every bit of nightlife and every ounce of cool just outside his door. It was a 3 bedroom for $800, a wild amount for us meandering artist types to fathom, so he found roommates on Craigslist. For that I envied his sense of crazy-ass risk taking, but he did alright, finding an Irish traveller with a cool accent, and a chick with a morbidly obese pug named Tofu.
I've been living in the Plateau for what would be five years this fall, but I don't expect to be there past July. After years of living with people who preferred suburban living, and friends repeatedly telling me how it's for people in their 20s, I finally got to try the Plateau life I'd been longing for. Everything really is walking distance away, and I can safely stumble home drunk into the wee hours, the streets are still happily populated. I've spent a reasonable amount of time rolling my eyes at tourists - be they local or from away - who come to my hood to walk hand-in-hand, oblivious to the fact that I'm trying to get past them with my groceries. I've been proudly telling people where I live, wearing Plateau merch, and carrying my tote bags around to the shops. But alas, I can't float a hipster rent on my own, and the thought of a roommate makes me itchy.
So, I find myself apartment hunting. In doing so, I find myself all too often with my head in my hands, sad, enraged, scared, wondering what has happened to our city, and why we aren't taking to the streets to fix it. Quebec has always been behind the times, our workers stifled and their earnings capped much lower than other provinces. The charming silver lining has always been the cheap rents, allowing people to choose alternative lifestyles, artistic paths, and to opt out of the corporate climb. Finding studio apartments renting for $1000+, I wonder what will become of the city, and where the cool kids will run away to if they can no longer afford to come here. As is the case each time I move, I'm making more money than I ever have, and the prices still seem unattainable. I’m trapped in a cycle of almost having enough, and no amount of visualizing abundance has helped balance my accounts. I will keep trying though, don't doubt that.
Who knows what part of town I'll be in when our provincial moving day hits (GAWD, why do we all have to move on one day?!), and Lord knows how much I'll have to pay for my new digs. But if you find yourself searching for a place to kick your feet up and put down roots, know that we're in this together, and I hope that maybe you’ll be my new neighbour.
COMEDY TONIGHT!
Tonight Raquel Maestre hosts a great edition of The Poly Mic, a queer open mic! After 9pm Alo Azimov hosts Fast Tales, a fun queer comedy storytelling hour!!! Both at Notre Dame Des Quilles and both PWYC!
WHAT: Poly Mic & Fast Tales
WHERE: Notre Dame Des Quilles, 32 Rue Beaubien E., Montreal, H2S 1P8
WHEN: Wednesday, May 1, The Poly Mic @ 7 PM, Fast Tales @ 9 PM
METRO: Beaubien (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
MUSIC TONIGHT!
Tonight, catch Tommy Oliver at L’Esco, with special guest BICHAEL in their premiere performance!
Portes // Doors ~ 20h30 // 8:30pm
Spectacle // Show ~ 21h00 // 9:00pm
Billets // Door entry ~ $12
WHAT: Tommy Oliver featuring BICHAEL
WHERE: L’Escogriffe, 4461 Saint-Denis, Montreal, H2J 2L2
WHEN: Wednesday, May 1, Doors @ 830 PM, Show @ 9 PM
METRO: Mont Royal (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
SWEET SWEET MUSIC
What if a choir and a glee club had a baby, and that baby was a trans masc™️? Trans Trenderz is proud to present the first showcase of Montreal's Trans Masc Choir!
Led by Blxck Cxsper, our choir is set to turn up the energy with some unapologetically queer pop anthems, tug at your heartstrings with soulful folk melodies, and get your hips moving with the rhythms of zouk.
WHAT: Trans Masc Choir Showcase
WHERE: Quai des Brumes, 4481 Saint Denis St, Montreal, Quebec H2J 2L2
WHEN: Thursday, May 2, Doors @ 9 PM, Show @ 930 PM
METRO: Mont Royal (Orange)
TICKETS: The Point of Sale
YES, AND
Time to dust off your smiles, shine your pearly whites, and get a tune-up on your laugh box! SPRING IS SPRUNGING AND MONTREAL SKETCHFEST IS BACK!!!
Get ready for the ultimate celebration of “scripted” franco and anglo sketch comedy in Montreal! Montreal Sketchfest is back and bigger than ever in 2024, featuring top-notch artists from across North America. This year’s festival promises to be jam-packed with 18 shows of laughs and non-stop entertainment that you won’t want to miss. IT IS OUR 17TH ANNIVERSARY AFTER ALL – soon we won’t need our fake IDs anymore!
There’s no better way to shake off the winter blues than by joining us in early May for a riotous celebration of comedy in the heart of Montreal. Hot weather is on the horizon and hot comedy is coming your way…
WHAT: Montreal Sketchfest
WHERE: Multiple locations
WHEN: Thursday, May 2 - Saturday, May 11
TICKETS: The Point of Sale
DANCE ALL NIGHT
Get ready to dance the night away on 3 floors with Trans Pacific Express: NGL Flounce, Frantz Lin, C Lia on dance floor 1, and DJ Theory upstairs! Feel the beat of Hip Hop, Jersey, K-Pop, & City Pop across two DJ rooms and a rooftop terrace. $25 gets you all-night access to an open bar, juice bar, and stunning city views. Don’t miss out—let’s light up the night!
We feel Kpop & Hip hop are familiar to all, but for the more specific genres, and those that were wondering (like we were):
Jersey club is an energetic genre of electronic dance music from Newark, New Jersey, characterized by fast beats (130-140 BPM), choppy vocal loops, and heavy basslines. Originating in the 1990s and evolving from Baltimore club music, it features sped-up samples from hip hop, pop, and R&B, tailored for high-energy dancing.
City Pop is a genre of music that emerged in Japan in the late 1970s and thrived throughout the 1980s. It's characterized by its glossy, highly produced sound, blending elements of American pop, funk, jazz, and disco with a distinctly Japanese sensibility. The genre reflects the affluence and urban lifestyle of Japan during its economic boom, capturing the zeitgeist of Tokyo's metropolitan experience.
WHAT: Trans Pacific Express Dance Party
WHERE: La Poubelle Magnifique, 1221 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Saturday, May 4, @ 10 PM
METRO: Lucien-L'Allier (Orange), Guy-Concordia (Green)
TICKETS: Zeffy
McSweeney’s List drops every Wednesday with the best events, workshops, and more, each week in Montreal!
