McSweeney’s List (11 December 2024)
Now that the city looks like a Hallmark movie, Christmas feels imminent. Sure, it was running on time and would've arrived regardless, but now it really feels like we have 13 shopping days until Christmas. See, this is funny, because before the 24/7 digital economy, they would really count the number of days the stores would be open, but now the shopping actually never stops. It's funny. I promise.
It makes me wonder if Santa has digitized his operation. I assume he receives emails now, which is especially efficient during the postal strike. And I bet the elves do more button pushing than hands-on building these days, which I'm sure cuts down on workplace injuries (although the injuries that do happen are likely more severe because of the upgraded machinery, leading to elves on disability, but thank heavens for the socialized system). Santa would be silly to not have his Naughty and Nice Lists on the cloud; I imagine he has an Excel Elf diligently working on formulas to streamline the process and make sure the right people get treats and the right people get tricks (so to speak). While my lists just live in my head, it seems appropriate for me to share them now. So this week, welcome to My Naughty List.
People who use their phone speakers in public.
I remember before this was a problem (you know, when the portable landline phone was considered mobile). Even when cell phones became ubiquitous, people didn't start doing this, they were muttering quietly into their phones, aware how weird it was to be having personal conversations publicly. Then one day, everyone was just blasting their phones. Years ago when I was far more of a shit disturber, I moved to sit next to a girl who was listening to music on her speaker on the bus. I put my music on, and slowly turned my speaker up until she looked at me. “See,” I said, “it doesn't work if we all do it.” And let me assure you, you're not special. People watch videos with the sound on in doctor's waiting rooms now, and I marvel at the lack of self awareness. I’ll go a step farther and include people shouting their whole conversation into their phone. In a particularly hilarious and telling incident, a friend texted me from a café complaining of a woman shouting her whole business on a phone call. Within minutes my friend sent me a link for the house the woman was closing on, and she had her Rogers account number, and name too. Man, it's a good thing my friend and I are nosey but nice, ‘cuz we could've fucked this chick’s day right up. Anyway, have some fucking class and stop doing this. For Christmas I hope your phone dies while everyone around you is blasting their shit.
People who wear their backpacks on the bus.
Hey, quick question, why do you take off your backpack when you sit down? Oh, because it's in your way? Because it's so big behind you there's no possible way to settle in properly? Exactly, dumbass. And it's the same size when you're standing. On a bus it takes exactly two people being inconsiderate like this to cause a serious traffic jam. Picture it: one person standing on each side of the aisle, two backpacks smashed together behind them. It's fucking ridiculous, and one of my biggest pet peeves. Of course even one backpack is a hassle, but it's never one. Consider school rush hour, consider metro seats, where passengers swat swinging bags away from their faces. Plus, your dumbass bag is taking up so much space, transit is more crowded than need be, causing people to wait for the next train or bus, so your lack of consideration is slowing us all down. Plus, your mouth-breathing lack of forethought never considered that if someone was particularly frustrated, they could grab your bag and steer you out of their way. For Christmas I hope someone is selfish and screws up your day, but in one of those sitcom ways where you totally get it, and will hold your bag on transit from now on.
People who ask for your opinion but don't actually want your opinion.
Personally, when you ask me a question, my default is to give you an honest answer. While I'm aware this can be a neurodivergent response, even if I overthink it and process that you might just be asking out of social habit, I think you deserve a real answer. So, sometimes yes, I answer honestly in an effort to stop you from asking stupid questions, because I'm tired of the bullshit where you say one thing and mean another. Years ago, when my dad died, I tried to pamper myself out of sadness. At Lush, I sat down and let a salesman massage cream into my hand over a small bowl of water. He asked me what was going on with me, and I casually said not much, just spoiling myself. But he didn't pick up the thread from there. He didn't know what to say, or how to further the conversation, and asked me again in a different way. By the third time, I told him that my father had just died. Well, if it was awkward before, it was awesomely awkward after that. We were stuck in the weirdness as he rinsed my hand off, and I was pretty proud of myself. I’d had every intention of having a chill, casual interaction, and his persistence had roped us both into this. I wonder if he still tells that story…
Anyway, when a woman asks if she looks fat in something, she really does want an answer. She wants to know that she's leaving the house in something flattering, and if you let her leave looking like a fool, you're the asshole. No, do not tell her she looks fat, even if she does. Do say something to the effect of hey, you know what outfit I think you look great in? And suggest that. In another context, don't ask for an opinion on your art (or any work) if what you really want is an echo chamber. There's always room for growth, and constructive criticism is how we improve. Obviously, you have to trust the opinion of the person you're asking, but you also need to trust that they will be honest. The people who always praise are no more reliable than those who always tear down. What we need is an honest, qualified assessment.
If you want fluff promo, you can pay-to-play (so to speak) with many local publications who serve the role of disguised spon-con. You might as well pay for subscribers while you're at it. It's a shame when people are more interested in disingenuous praise than honest review. It's a sad state of the art scene when educated and experienced voices are shunned in favor of ass kissing and ego stroking, and I promise, your art will suffer because of it. For Christmas, I hope you ask for honesty and are left confused by what you receive.
Privileged people who don't know they're privileged.
We're all pretty privileged in the global scheme, and perhaps that's slow boiled us to a point where we think that's normal. Food and goods arrive at our doors in short order, and we can scroll for dates, arguments, or like minded folks. Every effort has been minimized to the point where we feel like immediate gratification is our right. It's the definition of entitlement, and seeps into every corner of our lives. Not long ago I met a man who extolled the virtues of wealth. People treat you differently when you walk in a room, he said. Having money is great, you should try it. It was one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard, as if I choose to be working class.
Another example: while so many Montrealers don't have family doctors, I can assure you from my position at the front desk that the people who do have doctors think they should be able to see them TODAY, for something like a case of the sniffles. Or even better, URGENT prescriptions for Viagra. Super sick people never call the office screaming, they call sounding awful, or crying, or scared, and I wish those things on no one. I guess this category also includes people who don't take time to count blessings, only curses. It's a slippery slope from there to seeing only the negative in everything, and that's a perpetual motion machine of misery. Take a lesson from the people so sick they are happy to still be here. Soften your heart, pause before complaint. For Christmas I hope you are so happy and healthy that you're struck by the goodness of it all.
Don't worry kids, every cookie has two sides, and I haven't forgotten the silver lining. I’ll be dropping my Nice List on Christmas day, and I'll be naming names. Stay tuned.
GETTIN’ SLEAZY WITH IT
It's finally here! The best lineup, the coolest party, the biggest FTB fundraiser of the year, Sleazy Christmas is finally here!!!
Do you have your tickets? You should get them now, because if there are any left at the door, they'll be more expensive. Go get them. Scroll to the ticket link, I'll wait.
Yay! I'm so glad you snatched those up at early bird prices, and I can't wait to see you all there!!!
Hosted by Andrew Jamieson, featuring performances by Aloe Azimov, Tara McGowan-Ross, Jessica Bebenek, Abby Stonehouse, IF The Poet, Mina Minou, Dawn McSweeney (hey, that's me!), and Walter Lyng. Oh, and Santa!
WHAT: Sleazy Christmas III
WHERE: Poubelle Magnifique, 1189 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Thursday, December 12 @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l’Allier (Orange), Guy-Concordia (Green)
TICKETS: ShowPass
MUSIC MAKERS
Montreal's Dangereens, Othello Tunnels, and Martin Saint (full band format) join forces for an evening striding the line between glam rock, psychedelia and dark 80s sounds.
WHAT: Dangereens + Othello Tunnels + Martin Saint (Full Band)
WHERE: Casa Del Popolo, 4873 St Laurent Blvd, Montreal
WHEN: Thursday, December 12 @ 8 PM
METRO: Mont-Royal (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
READING FOR WRITERS
Chimera Open Mic is back!
Read your original works of poetry and/or fiction to a supportive audience, or simply attend to hear people read. Everyone is welcome! The store will be open before and after the event, so feel free to treasure hunt!
No reservation needed, sign-up at the event to read.
WHAT: Chimera Open Mic: Poetry & Fiction at Phoenix Books
WHERE: Phoenix Books, 5928 Sherbrooke St. W., Montreal, H4A 1X7
WHEN: Thursday, December 12 @
METRO: Vendôme (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
BALANCE
Do what you love where you love to be! It's a pop-up yoga class in a bar (minus the booze). This isn't about your trendy pants and handstands: this is abou there was a way to "hacking" into your own system to energize and revitalize yourself from the inside out - using breathwork, mantra, targeted movements, guided relaxations, and potent meditation. Led by Maya Khamala, the class is open to all experiencs and abilities, and all are welcome. This space is trauma-informed, anti-racist, body positive, lgbtqia2+, and friendly!
WHAT: Kundalini Yoga Pop-Up Class
WHERE: Turbo Haüs, 2036 St. Denis St., Montreal, H2X 3K7
WHEN: Thursday, December 12 @ 10 AM
METRO: Berri-UQAM
DETAILS: Facebook
THE FUN IN FUNDRAISING
The Press Start Cabaret is a chance for us to raise funds for Press Start Co-op (a co-operative arcade, and could there be anything sweeter?!), while having a blast and seeing a great show! Burlesque! Comedy! Music! and more await you on what's sure to be a delightful evening. We'll have drinks at the bar, snacks, raffle prizes, and games at what's sure to be another spectacular event.
WHAT: Press Start Cabaret
WHERE: Bâtiment 7, 350 Ste. Madeleine St., Montreal, H3K 0A5
WHEN: Friday, December 13 @ 730 PM
METRO: Charlevoix (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
DID YOU SAY GIVEAWAY?!
They really did!
It's the Quebec Writers’ Federation Holiday Meetup and Book Giveaway!
Right before they close for the holidays, they're celebrating and playing Santa. Light refreshments will be available, and QWF members can take up to three free books. Not a member? No problem. Come by and join QWF and get your three free books. Either way, enjoy a casual holiday hangout with your fellow writers and the QWF staff.
WHAT: Quebec Writers’ Federation Holiday Meetup and Book Giveaway
WHERE: Atwater Library & Computer Centre, 1200 Atwater Ave., Room 3, on the 3rd Floor, Westmount, H3Z 1X4
WHEN: Friday, December 13 @ 1 PM - 4 PM
METRO: Atwater (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
O, Holy Knights
It's the season finale of Laugh Knights! Marko Kulik, is headlining the show along with awesome local comedians. Come one, come all to the last show of the year. Hosted by Claudio Capri, featuring Dan Kestler, Erik Intrevado, Sarah Offredi, Anil Ramcharand, Radu Sona, Gowthaman, Frederic Belanger and more!
Free entry, but the spot is small, so RSVP to save your spot!
WHAT: Laugh Knights Season Finale
WHERE: Café Eevee, 1251 R. Saint-Zotique, Montreal, H2S 1N8
WHEN: Saturday, December 14 @ 8 PM
METRO: Beaubien (Orange)
RSVP: Eventbrite
XXX-MAS
Everyone's kids are everywhere during the holidays, and if you've been wishing for a moment of shopping among adults, this one's for you. The Montreal Makers Market is hosting a Christmas market that will Fa your Las. Over 75 artisans will be selling their wares: art, clothes, pottery, plants, food, jewelry, housewares, candles, zines, wellness products, crystals, oddities -- oh, and perfume! Catch me at the Le Ciel Parfum table, and mix up a unique scent, just for you.) Plus, it's the only market I know where you can catch a burlesque performance!)
Poster by Emie
WHAT: Montreal Makers Market
WHERE: Salle St. Jean Berchmans, 5945 Cartier St., Montreal, H2G 2V4
WHEN: Saturday, December 14 & Sunday, December 15 @ 11 AM - 5 PM The market is 18+ from 3 PM - 5 PM
METRO: Rosemont (Orange)
Johannes Brahms
Renowned for his famous lullaby, Brahms is one of the “Three Bs” of classical music, alongside Beethoven and Bach. Starting his career playing in Hamburg taverns, he later gained recognition in Vienna, home to Beethoven, Schubert, and Mozart. Mentored by Schumann, who encouraged him to explore orchestral composition, Brahms also shared a profound, unspoken love for Schumann’s wife, Clara, which inspired much of his music. With influences from this mentorship, friendship, and hidden passion, Brahms created works marked by discipline, lyricism, and Romantic sensitivity.
Featured Artists
Yukari Cousineau – Concertmaster, Orchestre Métropolitain
With over 20 years as concertmaster of the Orchestre Métropolitain, Yukari Cousineau is also a member of the Ensemble Magellan and founder of the La Muse Quartet. Her more than three decades of experience make her a leading figure in the world of classical music.
Stéphane Tétreault – Cellist
Stéphane Tétreault, an internationally acclaimed cellist, is renowned for his remarkable sensitivity and his exceptional instrument, a 1707 Stradivarius. His talent has taken him to some of the world’s greatest stages, where he captivates audiences with his rich interpretations.
Jean Cousineau - Ensemble
Marie-Claire Cousineau – Violin and Viola, Orchestre Métropolitain substitute
Isabelle Bélanger-Southey – Violin and Viola, Orchestre Métropolitain substitute
Julien Oberson – Violin and Viola, Candlelight Quartet, Orchestre Métropolitain substitute
Alexandre Castonguay – Cello, Orchestre Symphonique de Montréal substitute
A Not-to-be-Missed Special Concert
Brahms’ masterpieces will soar to their fullest potential in this Sublime Accords performance. The depth of the sextets and the brilliance of the musicians promise to make every note resonate with profound emotion.
When: Thursday, December 13 @ 7:30PM
Where: Église Saint-Pierre Apôtre, Montréal, 1201 Rue de la Visitation
Metro: Beaudry (Green)
McSweeney’s List drops every Wednesday with the best events, workshops, and more, each week in Montreal!
