Valérie Plante (FINALLY) Confirms STM’S New Purple Line

Philippe Schnobb, the chair of the STM, left, Montreal Mayor Valérie Plante and the STM's director Luc Tremblay walk into an early Saturday morning press conference.

Editor’s Note: This piece is satire, written for April Fools’ Day 2023.

Montreal will soon have a fifth metro line. Construction on the 20-stop Purple Line will begin this June and is expected to be completed by 2028.

Montreal Mayor Valérie Plante (wearing purple for the occassion) made the surprise announcement in an early morning press conference alongside former Société de transport de Montréal (STM) Chairman Philippe Schnobb. 

“This is a great day for Montrealers,” Plante told the assembled and somewhat stunned members of the media, “this may not be the perfect solution to our transit woes, but it’s a huge leap in the right direction.”

The Mayor said that the project’s estimated $4 billion budget will come from the agreement for infrastructure development reached by Federal and Provincial governments earlier this week. The same agreement made the four-stop extension of the Blue Line, projected at $6 billion, possible as well.

“It’s because of closed-loop technology,” the Mayor responded, when asked about the cost disparity, “when the line doesn’t end or properly intersect with any other line, you don’t have to build terminuses or transfer points, which saves money.”

The cost will also be partially offset by an undisclosed investment from the Quebec Hells Angels Motorcycle Club, whose sole request was a stop at the bottom of the St-Lawrence River. A man named Rocco, also at the Press Conference, elaborated:

“We want an eco-friendly way to do our, to do a part of our, you know, business, Let’s just keep it to that, okay. Print that and no one gets hurt.”

While too far to be a transfer point between the metro and the projected REM light rail network, officials are still working out how to coordinate and retrofit an underwater reserve bus lane in case there is an interruption of service on the metro. Submarines, if cost-effective, could be a possible solution, the Mayor said.

The STM released a mockup of the proposed route:

Construction on Montreal’s new Purple Line is expected to be completed by 2028.

The stops on the Purple Line don’t have names yet, and so Montreal and the STM have launched a CONTEST TO NAME THE NEW METRO STATIONS. Go cast your vote now!